“Acceptance does not
imply liking or wanting,
nor does it represent
giving up, giving in, or resignation.
Simply put, acceptance means
gently holding whatever arises.” 
Jill Stoddard

The loss of a child of any age can be, and in most cases probably is, a devastating experience. The anticipated order of operations in life leads us to believe that parents should not have to bury their children, even if the child is in his mid-50’s. It’s not supposed to work that way, but sometimes it does. A young person dies, a parent cries.

Coping with death — any death — can be a painful experience. The loss of an offspring, however, takes that pain to a new level. Coping with the aftermath of such a loss has the potential to overwhelm us for a lifetime.

We all know that life is not fair. We are all aware that bad things happen to good people. It’s no secret that the events of our life, or the lives of those around us, have the potential to derail what otherwise might be a smooth journey toward the future. So how do we cope? What can we do to get through such difficult times?

Most people are familiar with the Serenity Prayer, which continues to offer wisdom to those struggling with life’s many challenges:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
the courage to
change the things I can,
and the wisdom
to know the difference.

Japanese culture also has a pearl of wisdom to share with us on this topic. I first read about it in the book Farewell to Manzanar, which described the plight of United States citizens of Japanese origin who were placed in internment camps here in the U.S. during World War II. In the book, which was written collaboratively by James D. Houston and Jeanne Wakatsuki Houston, introduces readers to the insightful concept of Shikata ga nai. 

Shikata ga nai translates to “it cannot be helped” or “nothing can be done about it.” So often, we hope and pray for one outcome, yet we find ourselves dealing with something different — something less. Shikata ga nai encourages us to accept the reality of what is and to move forward in life with a recognition and acceptance of the fact that we cannot change the situation. By adopting this mindset, we can minimize the frustration and angst generated by the event, thereby enabling us to proceed with confidence and courage. 

Things in life don’t always turn out the way we would like, so having an effective resource to cope with these challenging times can be incredibly beneficial.