Thomas: “I can’t win.”
Tavita: “Then lose.
But don’t lose alone,
lose with us.”
From the movie Next Goal Wins

For the past few years, I have enjoyed reading a newsletter written and published by former UCLA and NBA great Kareem Abdul Jabbar. A disciple of the legendary coach John Wooden, Kareem is so much more than just a retired athlete. His intelligence, insightfulness, and courage to speak out on some of the pressing (or not so pressing) issues of our day continues to inspire me. Today’s A Beacon of Light blog post is one article from Kareem’s newsletter which arrived in my inbox this morning. It’s powerful. It is clear to me that Kareem learned much more from Coach Wooden than simply how to play basketball. He is truly a beacon of light.

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The context for this quote from Taika Waititi’s recent soccer movie Next Goal Wins is that an American coach is being punished for his on-field outbursts by being assigned to coach a team from American Samoa that not only has never won a game but never scored a single goal. The hard-drinking loner lost in grief for his dead daughter is soon welcomed into the local community where their warmth and love heals him. At one point, the coach tells the local man who has helped him understand the Samoan way of life that he can’t win the game. The man’s response: “Then lose. But don’t lose alone, lose with us.”

I’ve been a member of a team since I was a little kid. Well, I was never little so let’s just say since I was in middle school. Whenever the outside world seemed too harsh and unpitying, the comfort of the team made me feel safe and necessary. The thrill of scoring points was matched by the thrill of feeding the ball to someone else who scored. So, when Tavita says, “Then lose. But don’t lose alone, lose with us.” it makes me fondly remember how sharing in victory heightened the sensation while sharing in defeat blunted the pain.

Losing is inevitable. We can’t control that aspect of life. But we can control our preparation for it. We are all grieving from loss—whether the loss of people we love or hopes we had about our lives. We are all loners looking for shelter from the storm. Community is that shelter, which is why people belong to religions, book clubs, and pickleball groups. We seek the company of those with similar interests who might better understand us and therefore care about us.

In the Middle Ages, grand cathedrals were constructed throughout Europe and filled with the most ornate fixtures and divine art. Part of the reason for such opulence was to present a representation of heaven on Earth so the believers would be inspired to continue their faith. Basically, they were like lush model homes in a planned community that hadn’t been built. You’re buying the promise, the dream.

We build those same model heavens in our movies about small towns from Mayberry to Northern Exposure to Gilmore Girls to every Hallmark Christmas movie. If heaven were to exist, its main feature would be unconditional love for each other without any hurtful human conflicts.

That’s what makes today’s quote so poignant to me. Winning/success is a way of proving our worth to others, and that we deserve to be part of the community. On Survivor, people are always trying to demonstrate how invaluable they are at catching fish or making fires so the tribe won’t vote them off. That rarely works. In the end, people often choose based on how much they want to be in that person’s company.

That’s the essence of the quote: We don’t have to prove our worth by winning—whether it’s a game or money. We want you in our community because of who you are, not what you do. We’re all going to lose, but losing with a loving, compassionate group feels a whole lot like winning.