“The royal road to a
man’s heart is to talk
to him about the things
he treasures most.” 
Dale Carnegie

It’s no secret that women and men communicate in different ways and for different reasons. Dr. Deborah Tannen, in her book You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, explains that while women attempt to establish connection through their conversations, men often seek to establish status in the relationship. Women often attempt to seek common ground in an effort to even the playing field by saying something like, “Oh, I had a similar experience once.”

Men, on the other hand, often try to one-up the person with whom they are speaking. “Oh, really? You think that’s bad? Ha! Let me tell you what happened to me…”

I am not adept in how women communicate, nor do I have any particular expertise in the field of male communication. I do, however, have more than seventy years of experience communicating with men and women as a male in this often complicated world. Through those years, especially in the past forty years, I’ve learned a few things about communicating with others, particularly men, which have served me well.

First and foremost, life is a journey, not a competition. To think that I might somehow be better than someone else because of my accomplishments in life, my level of education, or due to a particular talent with which I was blessed, is ludicrous. In the same way, it would be foolish of me to judge myself harshly because I have not achieved the level of professional success as someone else. When we do these things, we are sabotaging our relationships with other men.

It is also healthy to recognize that not everyone has the same interests or level of knowledge in a particular area. For example, one man might be extremely well-informed regarding the ins and outs of the political scene in our country, while another may pay little attention to such things. Guys I know are gifted in the area of computers or auto maintenance, or, perhaps, they are proficient doing handyman tasks around the house. I’m not. When I need a repair done in my home or car, I consult a professional and pay to have the work done correctly. I know my strengths, my weaknesses, and my interests. 

Some men have an insatiable need to be recognized as the expert in everything, from good wines or fine art to the current standings and statistics of every team in Major League Baseball’s National League West. Others of us, while able to enjoy a nice glass of wine, know only that there are two types of wine — red and white. In the same way, I can enjoy watching an occasional San Francisco Giants baseball game without needing to know their record, their standing in the division, or even the names of all the players on the field. 

One thing of which I am certain about communication among men is summed up in the words of Dale Carnegie quoted above. If you want to enjoy a valuable, meaningful conversation with a guy, ask him about the things he treasures most. Invite him to share about his family, his past, his hopes and dreams, his most memorable life experiences, his most significant losses in life, or his motivation for getting out of bed each morning. You could even ask him what he fears most in life.

If the things he treasures most are good wines, art museums, major league baseball, or fishing, go ahead and ask about such things, even though they might not be high on your list of interests. By doing so, the doors to productive conversation open and, hopefully, provide opportunities to discuss some of the things that you treasure, as well.

Conversations are a bit like the game of tennis. If the only stroke you have is a forehand, you’re going to be continually frustrated when the ball is hit to your backhand. There is no need to perfect either stroke to play the game, but it’s important to be proficient with both.