“‘No’ is a 
complete sentence.” 
Ann Lamott

It’s one of those things I’ve done more times than I would like to admit — saying “Yes” to something I really had no desire to do, or without giving it sufficient thought. Can you watch my dog for a few days?… Hey, could you pick me up in Sunnyvale on Tuesday afternoon and drive me to my therapy appointment in Oakland?… You wanna get together for lunch next Saturday?… Are you available to help me move a refrigerator from my brother’s house in Los Gatos to my new apartment in Fremont?… Will you serve on the Board of Directors of my nonprofit?… Would you serve as Director of Athletics next year?

Generally speaking, I want to help people whenever possible. I want to be a good friend, a good neighbor, a good employee, a good guy. So through the years, I’ve committed myself to doing many things that I just didn’t want to do — and once I commit, I usually follow through,… but not always. Not anymore. It took a while, but I’ve finally acknowledged to myself that time is a valuable commodity, and it’s up to me to manage my time more efficiently and effectively. 

It’s a common misunderstanding that “No” is a purely negative response. That’s certainly one way to see it. It’s also possible to recognize that saying “No” to some things we are asked to do is an essential way of saying “Yes” to ourselves and our personal well-being. Too many unintentional “yeses” can leave us feeling overwhelmed and unnecessarily stressed.

One unfortunate reality is that many people believe that they should do just about everything anyone asks them to do. Saying “No,” especially to someone we care about, can be difficult. Psychologist Manuel J. Smith reminds us, “You have the right to say “No” without feeling guilty.” Well,… we may have the right, but for many, it’s still not an easy thing to do.

Setting boundaries is a life skill many of us need to improve upon. Without boundaries, we set ourselves up to be used and taken advantage of by others. It is incumbent upon us to make our boundaries clear — first of all, to ourselves, then to others. And if anyone is offended by the boundaries you set, perhaps they are the reason you needed those boundaries in the first place. Musician Phil Good observed, “When someone oversteps your boundaries, they’re letting you know that what you want doesn’t matter.” Think about that.

It is essential for us to learn to say “No” without feeling guilty. Setting boundaries is a form of self-care, and self-care is not selfish. It’s not always easy for us to do, but we must learn to respect and care for ourselves, even if it means disappointing others from time to time. A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect. It’s possible to be a good person with a kind heart and still say “No.”

If you haven’t mastered this skill before now, it’s time to begin saying “No” to those things (and people) that drain you of your energy, and “Yes” to the things (and people) that fill you up and energize you. Julia Ubbenga is the creator of the popular blog Rich in What Matters. Her advice is priceless: “Our homes and our lives only have a certain amount of space. It’s our job to choose carefully what we allow to fill them.”