“It’s okay to struggle, 
but it’s not okay 
to give up on yourself 
or your dreams.”
Gabe Grunewald

The Facebook post was simple and to the point. In white letters on a solid black background, it read: “When all you want is to just suddenly die.” I read it, paused briefly, then dragged the image to my desktop. While I was not in any way suicidal, the words struck a chord with me. That’s precisely what I had been feeling at that point in my life. It was December 2016. 

My outlook on life at that moment in time was bleak. A combination of factors contributed to my negative mindset. It wasn’t just one thing. As I reflected on my life, and my future, I felt that my usefulness in this world had peaked. In my blogging, I tried to stay positive, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to do so. I had only one goal at that point: to outlive my mother. She was 87-years-old and living in a retirement community in Mountain View. I didn’t want her to die, but I wanted to make certain that I didn’t go first. Ideally, a mother should never have to attend her son’s funeral.

In the seven years since that time, much has happened in my life. I’ve experienced a combination of joys and sorrows, successes and failures, good days and bad. So what else is new, right? That’s how life usually works for most of us. Through it all, however, I couldn’t shake my readiness to die. This pessimistic outlook on life contributed to my lack of energy, my apathy regarding exercise, my inability to make responsible food choices, and my unwillingness to pay adequate attention to my physical condition.

Mom passed in August 2022. In the midst of grieving her loss and preparing for the funeral service for her, I was consciously aware that my one reason for living no longer existed. I felt that I could go at any time, though I had no interest in actively making it happen.

In the middle of March 2023, I received an email from my friend, Kim, in Nassau, Bahamas, letting me know that her doctor had informed her that her battle with cancer was coming to an end — and that it was time for her to put her affairs in order. My response to reading the email was to fly to Nassau to say goodbye. I arrived on the island on Saturday morning, March 18th and had a bittersweet visit with Kim, and her husband Simon, on Sunday afternoon. 

I returned home on the morning of March 25th. It had been a difficult trip for me. After so many years of living a sedentary lifestyle and careless eating, I had gained a significant amount of weight. The demands of traveling to the Bahamas took a toll on my body. In fact, it was a much-needed wake-up call. I decided it was time for me to step on a scale and see exactly how bad it had gotten. It was bad.

Then, much to my surprise, I found the motivation I’d been missing for so long. I contacted Kaiser Hospital and signed up to participate in a medically-supervised weight management program. The requirements of the program were challenging, and included a significant increase in physical movement. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I knew was time.

As we approach the mid-point of September, I feel better than I’ve felt in many years. I’ve dropped sixty pounds since April 1st. I’m walking more often now. My lower back, knees, and feet don’t hurt. My outlook on life has done a complete three-sixty. I’m grateful to be alive. I wake up every morning with a genuine attitude of gratitude, a mindset I’d often promoted in my writing, yet struggled to embrace in my personal life. More than ever, perhaps, I recognize and appreciate that I have so much for which to be grateful.