“When you are sorrowful,
look again in your heart
and you shall see that, in truth,
you are weeping for that
which has been your delight.” 
Kahlil Gibran

Our family celebration of Thanksgiving yesterday was… well,… gratifying. The presence of our three sons, two daughters-in-law, and four grandchildren warmed my heart. There were several points throughout the day when I seized the moment and paused, with gratitude, of course, to take in the reality of where I was and who was around me. There were also a couple of times when I was reminded of Thanksgiving dinners in the past. Those memories took me back to my maternal grandmother’s home on Marsily Street in San Francisco and to our family home on 38th Avenue — all wonderful memories.

Before going to bed last night, I did what many people my age do before going to bed each night: I checked Facebook. In doing so, I happened to see the image posted above. It reminded me, yet again, of those who are no longer here to celebrate the holiday with us. It also reminded me that several of my friends, who lost significant loved ones in 2023, were undoubtedly grieving those losses last night.

After my Dad’s unexpected death in 2008, the holidays were tough for me. Even though only one person was missing from the Thanksgiving dinner table that year, it seemed as though the whole world was empty. I struggled through that holiday season grieving the loss of the most influential man in my life. 

The first holiday season without a loved one can be a challenge. Some speak about the image of “the empty chair” and how that can be such a devastating reminder of our loss. At Thanksgiving dinner 2008, there was no empty chair. My Mom directed me to sit in my Dad’s chair at the table. It was an emotional experience.

I think it’s important to remind ourselves that during this season of gratitude, it’s not necessary to force ourselves to be grateful. It is possible, however, for us to embrace our grief and yet still be filled with gratitude for the people in our lives who help us to navigate our way through such a difficult time. Yes, we miss our departed loved one, but we wouldn’t miss them so much if we didn’t love them so much. That love, in itself, can be a source of gratitude. It is understandable and acceptable to be sad for who we’ve lost, yet thankful for those who are still with us.

Washington Irving was an American short-story writer in the early 19th century. His words speak to the value of embracing our grief:

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.”

As I looked around the room last night with thoughts of the absence of my parents and grandparents, I was struck by the realization that even though they were not present, their legacy lives on in the love and traditions of our family. 

There is no predetermined script for grieving our losses. Our experience of grief is as unique as our fingerprint. One thing we can do, however, to honor someone we have lost is for us to emulate the things we loved most about our departed loved one. As American novelist Sarah Dessen tell us, “Grieving does not make you imperfect. It makes you human.”