“Be not angry that you
cannot make others
as you wish them to be,
since you cannot make yourself
as you wish to be.” 
Thomas à Kempis

While walking in the Sunset District of San Francisco yesterday, I saw one of those “little library” boxes on a post in front of someone’s home. I noticed that the box was completely filled with books. Out of curiosity, I looked through the glass window to check out some of the titles. I was pleased to see a copy of You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Dr. Deborah Tannen. As I continued my walk, I found myself reflecting on one of the most valuable lessons I learned when I read that book many years ago.

Tannen’s book explores the communication differences between women and men. It’s a fascinating read. One point which stood out for me was that, quite often, when women speak to men, they’re not asking for advice or for a solution to their issue. They simply want to share what’s on their mind with someone who will listen attentively to them. This was critical information for me, and for most men I would think, because men have a tendency to be problem-solvers and answer-givers, especially when listening to a woman vent about something or someone in her life.

This powerful pearl of wisdom has enabled me to listen to others, particularly women, with compassion and empathy, rather than judgmentally or with a need to offer a solution to a problem.

When people vent to me today, I often enjoy listening to their stories. It’s not that I want or need to hear about the struggles they are enduring. What I enjoy and appreciate is that they trust me to listen to them without judgment. I am well aware of how it feels to keep my emotions bottled-up inside. I’m equally aware of how therapeutic it is to share what’s weighing me down with someone who will attentively listen to me.

Venting can be a healthy practice. Doing so allows us to purge what is weighing us down so that we are better able to allow more positive energy to nourish us.

There is a difference, however, between “healthy venting” and “emotional dumping.” Healthy venting includes such characteristics as not playing the victim, owning up to one’s own mistakes, and sticking to one topic. Emotional dumping, on the other hand, often involves blaming others. It is not open to finding a solution to the issue, and can be characterized by a mindset of victimization. Emotional dumping can also overwhelm the listener with multiple issues. 

There is a viable alternative to verbal venting. For some people, writing about what’s on their mind can be similarly beneficial. Rather than involving anyone else in the situation, a person has the option to put their thoughts and concerns into writing. The process of doing so can also be curative. There might be a significant feeling of relief to discarding what has been written once it has been expressed. There is a difference between keeping things “bottled-up” and keeping things “to ourselves.” Writing provides us an opportunity to express ourselves (vent) without involving others.

We are fortunate when we have someone to whom we can vent in a healthy way. As Ambrose Bierce, author of The Devil’s Dictionary, warned, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.”