“Some secrets 
are shared. 
Some are kept. 
Some live 
beyond words. 
All three are part 
of who we are.”
Leo Buscaglia

Secrets. Many people have them. Some few are able to keep them. I was once told that a secret is defined as “something you tell one person… at a time!” It seems that there is a lot of truth in this.

I recall my boys, when they were quite young, being upset because some of the girls in the neighborhood, kids they played with almost every day, were telling secrets to each other. My boys felt left out — and a bit resentful. I could relate. There were countless times in my life when I became aware that I was not included in conversations, decisions, or general information. I felt left out, even betrayed. I have a different perspective on secrets now.

No longer do I have the need, or the desire, to be included in everything. If someone wants to conceal something from me, it’s their prerogative to do so. I don’t feel left out, and I don’t feel betrayed. In fact, I often feel relieved at not having to deal with whatever drama they are concealing. Sharing secrets, however, carries significant emotional and psychological value.

When we confide in someone, we release the burden of carrying hidden information. This has a way of lowering my level of stress while boosting my overall feeling of well-being. Sharing secrets also fosters intimacy, builds trust, and helps to create a shared reality with those to whom we reveal our secrets. 

It seems that there are three major benefits to appropriately disclosing a secret. The first is psychological relief. Research has shown that holding onto a secret can consume cognitive resources, making some of our basic day-to-day tasks more difficult. When we share the secret, this mental burden is lifted from us.

The second benefit is that sharing secrets has the potential to deepen relationships. Especially when we expose our own vulnerability, we demonstrate that we value the other person and trust them with our secret. This reciprocal exchange increases rapport and closeness in a relationship.

Finally, sharing our secrets can offer us emotional support. When a secret is shared with a discreet, non-judgmental confidant, we often find that we gain a new perspective on the situation about which we shared. 

Appropriate self-revelation is a key ingredient to a solid relationship. When we withhold information about ourselves from others, we are withholding a part of who we are from them. Doing so inhibits the potential growth of the relationship itself. 

Yes, there are three types of secrets: (1) The secret we can only tell our very best friend, (2) the secret we can only tell ourselves, and (3) the secret we cannot even tell ourselves. It can be a challenge to determine into which category each of our secrets fall.